someone threw a dead crab at me
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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