dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
