We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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