420 ftw
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize