Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
