It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
