I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
