I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
