He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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