And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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