no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I need water and some morals
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize