u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize