Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
