Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
