I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
