After last night, I could never be a politician.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
