you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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