WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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