$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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