I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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