Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
