Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think people are normalizing furries
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
