Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You are the jesus of drinking
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
