Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
