Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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