The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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