I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
