party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
