Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize