One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
