then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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