Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize