i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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