I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
