the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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