butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
