I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize