My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
