Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
