I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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