I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
