??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
