Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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