dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
