Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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