just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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