Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
