Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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