I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
