I feel great
I just peed on a car
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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