So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
