Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
