i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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