Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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