dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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