im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
